23/1/14

Where is Cristina??

It’s Friday again!
Or Sunday, whatever.
Chances are you forgot to read this anyway, since it’s January, it’s hot and just moving you eyes when you try reading makes you tired.
It’s alright, I won’t judge. In fact, I’m kinda glad you aren’t reading this. This summer is so unbearably hot it’s definitely making me lazier as well. I mean, come on. Did you read last week’s roundup? That was some half-baked piece. And that part where I complain about “not much going on right now”? Give me a break,
Adrian.
This is Argentina. The country of protests, blackouts, Nazis, piranha attacks and Fernet. There is always something going on here.
That being said, I should warn you that this week was kind of quiet too. You know how it is.
Look on the bright side! “Kind of quiet” means that this roundup is short and there isn’t much you need to know. You can read this in a few minutes and go back to watching Parks & Recreation on Netflix.
Let’s get on it, shall we?
This is some of what you need to know:
  • Do you remember those classic video games from the 90′s like “Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?“, “Mario is Missing” and “Where’s Waldo?“? (Yes, I know. Technically it’s a book, but there was a video game version as well. *sigh* I loved those books. Then they decided to include that silly wizard, for some reason, and I stopped reading them because that was, like, totally unrealistic. I mean, I’m all for suspension of disbelief and cognitive estrangement, but there’s a limit.) Anyway, the reason I bring up all these games about soul searching and missing persons is because turns out we can now actually play a real-life version of it called “Where the hell is President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner?“. The rules are simple:

  • A) Find the President.

  • B) In order to look for clues about where she might be, you can read Pagina12, Tiempo Argentino, Telam and Infonews (all the Government-friendly press that assures she’s working hard as usual from the Olivos Presidential Residence or the Casa Rosada and that even though there’s a storm coming, outside it’s all rainbows and unicorns and shit.)

  • C) It is imperative that you avoid the Clarín and La Nación sand traps. As mortal enemies of this administration, they will feed you totally useless about how this country has no president at how we are all going to die a horrible death, because inflation.

  • OK, but seriously now. This weekend it’s going to be 40 days since the President was seen in public. This week it was also a month since the President sent her last tweet. Which is nothing short of terrifying, considering she was a better twitteratti than I was. I wrote a lengthy piece on her mysterious silence and the few theories behind it that you can read here. CNN, the BBC and Spain’s El País have begun wondering what is going on, and while Cabinet members continue to assure that everything is alright and that there’s nothing to worry about, people are getting more and more worried about what is really behind her sudden silence. In the meantime all we can do is wait.

  • Totally unrelated topic, but did you know that “Where’s Waldo?” is in fact called “Where’s Wally?” Yeah, that’s right. He’s only called Waldo in the US and Canada for reasons that escape my understanding and I was too lazy to google. So yes, my American friends. Waldo is in fact called Wally. You’ve been lied to your entire life. And you know what else? That awesome murder game you liked to play when you were kids called “Clue”? IT’S ACTUALLY CALLED CLUEDO EVERYWHERE ELSE IN THE WORLD. Now that’s I’ve ruined your childhood, my job here is done.

  • The so-called “blue dollar” (the black market exchange rate) came dangerously close to crossing the twelve-peso mark. This means that all of you who come into the country with dollars are pretty much billionaires and I’m a man whore ready to sell my body for five bucks. Hey, don’t judge! Five dollars is, like, a lot of money here.

  • City Mayor Mauricio Macri said there w-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!


  • Phew! It was hard to write that with a straight face.

  • Also, the Central Bank’s foreign currency reserves have fallen below the US$30-million psychological barrier and we are no officially freaking out. Of course the Government says we should all chillax since we’re a lot better than we were in the 90′s Well, yeah. I mean, everything is relative if you look at it that way. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy I wasn’t born in Europe during a Black Death outbreak, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to break into song in the middle of Palermo Soho singing Kool and The Gang’s Celebration. You know what I mean.

  • Great news for those of you who drive to work! (None of you, then.) This week, Interior and Tranportation Minister Florencio Randazzo announced a new plan looking to restrict the circulation of trucks in the City during the day, which would bring some relief to commuters as they try to enter or leave Buenos Aires. Trucks will now have to pay an additional toll of 185 pesos if they try to enter or leave the city during the morning or evening rush hours. And that’s awesome, because you don’t know what the meaning of “traffic nightmare” until you’ve driven your car in the Puerto Madero area around 6 pm on a Friday.

  • Goodbye, Consumer Price Index! The CPI methodology that the infamous INDEC has been using to measure inflation is no more after this month. The current CPI had been implemented by former Dark Overlord and Domestic Trade Secretary Guillermo Moreno, and had been largely criticized for its inaccuracy at the time of measuring Argentina’s real inflation. This month was no different, since it announced that inflation in December had reached 1.4 percent, and a total of 10.9 percent in 2013. Let’s not forget private estimates said inflation last year was close to 28 percent, almost three times the inflation figures. Fun stuff! And now we need to see what happens in a month, when the new CPI methodology is implemented, a new system designed under the careful observation of the IMF. This should be interesting.

  • [SUNDAY UPDATE] Here’s some additional evidence that God hates us. The piranhas are back to their usual shenanigans, which as you know involve voraciously eating human limbs and even your entire body if you let them. Mischievous fish, the piranha. And also, God or Zeus or whoever’s up there now attacked the peaceful beaches of Mar del Plata. Yeah, it looks like killing four people in Villa Gesell last week was not enough and now seven people have been injured after lightning struck the beach there twice. That saying about lightning never striking twice? Tell that to Mar del Plata. So this summer Mother Nature’s message seems to be “stay out of the water.” Roger that, Mother Nature. No recreational bathing for us.

  • Need more evidence to prove that we are on Mother Nature’s hit list? While knowing that we can’t go into the water for fear of being struck by lightning or being shredded by piranhas, Mother Nature sends another heat wave. Oh, that’s nice. No, that’s totally OK. We’ll manage to survive somehow, we don’t need your pity. I don’t know what we ever did to you to punish us like th- Ohh… that’s right.



See? Told you nothing of relevance happened this week. You spent five minutes reading this crap while you could have been wasting your time on BuzzFeed.
Happy weekend, kids!

Fuente:  http://bubblear.com/2014/01/the-friday-roundup-january-17/
a la/s